I HAVE RETURNED

I would say I have returned victorious, but I'm not sure what the victory would be or if I've even achieved it at all. I made some trail mix? Does that count? No? Darn.

Anyway, we kind of accidentally (by which I mean TOTALLY ON PURPOSE) went on a Thanksgiving break. But now I have returned rejuvinated and overfed (this is a problem I have) and I've got some newsy type things to communicate to my 8 regular readers. No one else will be excited, since this whole thing is new to them.

I am working on a new project. It is a secret project, but it is somewhat related to this blog. I am excited, though I am not at all sure when this project will become an actual thing. There are many bits a pieces to be worked out. The things I can tell you are that it will be on the internets, will be somewhat intimately but not entirely connected to this blog, and will provide joy and wonder (and possibly kittens) for everyone, not just my friends who want to read about how bad  GOOD I am at weight loss and healthiness. Anyway, that is all I can tell you for now, I will be telling you more things and possibly experimenting on you as time passes and I figure more things out.

IN OTHER NEWS: There is very little else to report. I did not do so great at getting all of the planned physical activity in, but I did do some. It has been coming out to about half to 3/4 the promised amount. Gonna try to be better this week as I am slightly less busy with holiday (for now...).

I have been struggling a bit with 1300 calories. I can blame it on half a dozen things (Thanksgiving, delicious foods being delicious, being bored, being cold etc etc), but the trouble is that I can't seem to shake it. Admittedly, by all standards, 1300 calories is not very much. I'm hoping that for the most part I am landing in the 1400 to 1500 range, and according to MFP, I am. But honestly, I don't trust MFP all that much.

I have a really bad habit when it comes to logging food and to some extent exercise on MFP: I lie. But I tell myself it isn't lying. I am merely adjusting for what seems like an exorbitant number of calories that must come from the fact that the thing I have chosen from the database is not EXACTLY what I ate. Other brands have more calories than my brand (or homemade thing). I have tried entering my own recipes, but the trouble with that is that I'm not big on measuring when I cook (I have earned my mother's jazz cooking stripes) and sure I can guess all I want, but when you ask me how many people it's supposed to feed? Hell if I know. And so I adjust, according to whatever I feel like the serving I ate was, calorically. I like to think that after a while of watching the number of calories in things I would know enough to be able to do that. But given the inconsistency of both my diet and how much I change whatever it is, it feels increasingly like lying about what I have eaten, and so I feel that my numbers at the end of the day are off by a billion calories and that I will never truly know how much I have eaten because I can't be honest with myself about it.

Yes. I can't be honest with myself about food. I have secret foods that never go on my diary, nearly every day. Usually they amount to maybe 200 calories worth, Today it was 4 hard candies and a serving of dried mango and a serving of walnuts. I had the mid afternoon munchies! What was I gonna do? I have already busted the food budget for today and dinner hasn't even come around yet. I don't have time for exercise this evening. DOOM. and so I leave them off, so I have some calories to work with... maybe.

Perhaps the best solution to this problem is to start logging the foods I eat BEFORE I eat them. Then, the guilt gets taken out constructively with me adjusting the actual amount of food I eat, rather than the digital amount I say I ate that may or may not be true. I will try this starting tomorrow (today is already a forgone conclusion).

I have not been very good of late with posting regularly and keeping tabs on my exercise progress and my monetary progress towards SHOES. (I still want them, they are so fuzzy and comfy looking). At last report I believe I was at $50. I have not been successful enough to reward myself for both weeks individually, but, since I have managed to keep up the exercising and not resorted to complete laziness, I will give myself 15 for both weeks combined. That's half the reward for half the effort that I needed to put in. My shoe fund is now at: $65.

This week will be better. I already did the workout yesterday and I'm planning on doing another tomorrow. Plans towards the end of the week become very fuzzy and very possibly busy so I may not get another workout in until Saturday afternoon. But, if all else does totally fail, SATURDAY AFTERNOON WILL BE SUCCESSFUL. (If I yell, I feel I will be more likely to actually do it, enthusiasm and all).

And so, that is THE PLAN. I will see you all next post, with possibly more or maybe less secrets.

Post Appointment Check in ( + Muffins!)

A couple important things came to light this weekend, through my appointment and some other adventures.

First, according to the scale at the doctor's, I've actually gained weight. It's only about 3 lbs, but still a net gain. For obvious reasons, this is EXTREMELY frustrating and upsetting for me. Just thinking about it brings angry tears up.

My counselor is really just that, a counselor, so we talked about my emotions and feelings about weight and why it matters to me so much. There's really quite a few things that make it matter, but a lot of what it comes down to is freedom. I want the freedom to be who I am and choose whatever the hell I want. My weight limits me, my lack fo fitness limits me. There are other factors in my life right now that also limit me, but they aren't really relevant here. The trouble is mostly that I feel trapped by my weight AND the effort to fix it. I want to get to a place where I don't have to work so hard, because I am no longer trying to change. Of course, my counselor tried to, somewhat weakly, lead me to decide that I don't really want to do all of this, because who I am right now is fine. But, like everyone who has gained weight, it is not so much that I want to change who I am now. It's that I want my body to be the way it was, because I wasn't always like this and the way it WAS was better. So, that's the goal, you know, undoing college. 

.... Yes I finally used the blog title in an entry.

With all of that in mind, I needed to go clothes shopping this weekend, and I did go. Now, generally speaking, I consider myself to be a normal size. There are plenty of people much more overweight looking than me, and more people who look to be around my size than there are super skinny girls. One would HOPE that this would appear in clothing store sizes. WRONG. Nearly the second I walk into a clothing store and have to choose a large, or even search for an extra large (which some stores don't even have *cough* forever 21 *cough*) I don't feel normal sized. I feel abnormal, different and wrong, because I'm not a medium (though it looks like most of the things on the shelves are smalls), and even most larges look too small on me. I went to Old Navy, and I am 90% sure that they changed their  pants sizing to make everything smaller.  According to my numbers (my hips measure about 40") I should be a 12 by most standards. At Old Navy, I have to wear a 16 to be even remotely comfortable. That's TWO sizes up. Thanks Old Navy, for making me feel super fat, abnormal and undesirable. Super great job for not caring about a woman's self esteem in her clothes.

I think clothing stores should be conscious of how their sizing affects the way a woman feels about herself. Make things reasonably sized for the majority of the population. A medium really should be the middle of the road, average. A 10 should be the same across the board, standardized at certain measurements, not like at Old Navy, where a 10 is an 8.

Anyway, back to my appointment, towards the end we spoke about next steps. I have a handle on exercise, in that I know I have to do it, I have a plan and it is fun for me. I also have a handle on logging what I eat and keeping track. It's clear that 1540 calories is still too many for my metabolism, since I've been eating at hat since August with no results, so we have lowered my net calorie intake to 1300. Net meaning that I can eat back calories used in exercise. I asked him specifically if he thought it might at all be what I'm eating, and he said that calories are really more important. There are things that are more healthy generally speaking, but it isn't critical that I avoid certain foods or even limit anything specifically. As long as I try to eat balanced meals and not all fat and sugar, it doesn't matter exactly what I eat. I could have pizza for every meal, as long as it was under 1300 calories worth, and it wouldn't make much of a difference in terms of weight loss. It's all numbers, the nutrients are irrelevant. So, 1300 calories is the rule.

I think the 1300 calories rule will change a bit of how I eat though, because I do actually have to make an effort to monitor how many calories I take in. 1540 was really easy for me to stay under because generally speaking, that's about as much as I eat. At 1300, I will actually be eating less. I'll have to stick to 400 calories a meal and be careful about the carry over. Combined with my exercise plan I'll be able to eat a little more, but it won't be as flexible as it was. But that's okay! I just want some results. This is really frustrating! Hopefully by the end of the week I'll have some good news.

I know I've said already the plan for the week, exercise wise, but here it is again anyway:
MWThSat: Blogilates. Maybe with someone? We shall see.

In other news, I just made some awesome muffins!

Mix some sugar free cake mix with a 15oz can of pumpkin, divide batter and bake at 350 for 20-25 mins. EAT. They're delicious!!

Revised Week (and next weeks plan)

Upon applying my actual life to the previously planned extreme exercise week, here is the revised plan through Monday, and what I actually did. If I manage it all, money prize (I'm at $50 now).

Monday: I did manage to do blogilates in the morning, take a shower and carry on with my day. Monday was pretty good. Unfortunately, I forgot that my body and 6 am have never ever gotten along, and I did not prepare by going to bed earlier, thus, I screwed up a lot of my sleep for the week, making it so...

Tuesday: I was supposed to originally do exercise in the morning again, but I was just way too tired to get up. So I slept in a bit instead and then went to vote and then went to work. I like having long pre-work mornings, but I also like sleeping... so blogilates didn't happen on Tuesday. (Tuesday night was of course spent staring at the Election. Yay Obama, btw).

Wednesday: Originally this was to be dance day, but it really is WAY too dark for me to be comfortable even walking to dance. My purchases are good for 90 days, I'll have to do the math, but I'm hoping I'll be able to go to a couple classes with friends when they are home over the holidays (*cough* Jen *cough*) and walking will be totally fine if I'm with someone. Instead, I did the full blogilates workout in the evening. It's still an hour of about the same kind of activity, so it works out about the same.

Thursday: As I was thinking I would after I failed on Tuesday to exercise, I made a point of doing the workout last night, because while I would do MWF, my fridays are unreliable, and saying MWTh is something thats more likely to happen. I'm trying to make this easy for myself. 

From here out: 

Friday: I don't have plans tonight and Jon probably does, so I am planning on getting a workout in (provided nothing changes). If something changes, then that's okay too. I know I will have plans either Friday or Saturday (shouldn't be both) so whichever day I do not have plans or I have an extended amount of free time by myself, I will do the blogilates set for that day. 

Sunday is the day off on the calendar (plus I have chores to do)

Monday: recycle last week. If I can't do the morning, I will do the evening routine.

This week I sort of came up with a routine, I'm wondering if I will be able to stick with it (as you've seen, me and routines don't really get along for whatever reason). When I get home from work, I clean up the living room and clear space for my workout. Then I change, and do the first couple videos. Then I stop and feed the cat (I've been doing some trainings with him, so it takes a minute). Then I do the rest of the videos, take a shower (or don't, depending on my mood) and go pick up Jon. The rest of the evening changes, but I go to bed around 11, take my multivitamin and snooze for ~8 hours. I've been waking up feeling pretty good.

The plan is basically to do whatever videos are on the blogilates calendar every day that I have nothing better to do except Sundays, which are rest days. I'm pretty sure that if I keep this up for a few more weeks, I'll see some change. 

I have my appointment with Tim this afternoon. I may post again after I talk to him. We'll see. I'm not entirely sure what he'll say... partly because I'm not entirely sure what the scale will say. 

More later, and as always, thanks for reading!!!

Blogilates

Hi everyone!

Sorry this blog is so late... I sort of fell off the diet and exercise wagon for a week and a half. I'm  in the process of getting back on it.

The reason for the motivation flop is well... the usual complete lack of results (seriously, NO CHANGE). On the somewhat bright side I do have an appointment with my counselor this week, so hopefully he'll be able to help me sort it out.

I have also reached the point where the dance classes aren't easy, because walking through the Mission after dark is not going to be very fun. Last time I went to class (err...before Hawaii) I made a friend who might be able to walk with me, but it's still a bit scary. I am planning on going tomorrow, and I do have 3 more classes purchased, so I'm GOING TO (I originally wrote that I probably would) go on Wednesdays for the next couple weeks. Maybe it will be okay walking through the sketchy neighborhood after dark, and I'll buy more classes and keep going (it is fun, and once a week sounds reasonably do-able).

Barring that (and in addition for the next few weeks) I am going to follow the Blogilates exercise calendar! I did yesterdays exercises, and they totally kicked my ass, but they were still fun (for exercise) and I felt super achieved afterwards. I am going to do the exercises listed everyday (when I don't go to dance, so not on Wednesdays). I'm going to try to do it in the mornings, because you know, sleepy brain doesn't know what's happening.

So here's the breakdown for this week. I know it sounds like a lot, but I'm thinking challenging myself might  will work out for the best.

Monday: Blogilates (AM)
Tuesday: Blogilates (AM)
Wednesday: Dance Class (PM)
Thursday: Blogilates (AM)
Friday: Blogilates (AM)
Saturday: Blogilates (Afternoon)

My appointment with the counselor is on Friday.

Hoping to get the day off Tuesday for Election Day. Don't forget to vote!!!!

Oh and, happy 50th post!