Food:
Is okay? I guess I did well last week, I managed breakfast all but one morning. Having the toaster has certainly helped with that.
Regarding the vegetarianism post and your responses: The resounding answer was "no, going vegetarian will not make weight loss easier, it will make no difference whatsoever" if anything it might add hardship. So I have opted not to do that, obviously, though I have been eating a bit like a vegetarian the past couple days anyway.
Mostly I think it's a matter of forcing self control and really only eating when I'm hungry. This is a billion times more difficult than it sounds, especially because I have emotional eating habits. On the bright side, I have learned to quell the emotional eats with healthy things like yogurt and dried fruit, rather than cookies (not that I have any cookies in the house to begin with). So that's good.
Exercise:
I can't remember if I did in fact do wii fit early last week. I'm thinking that I did, but I don't remember. With the end of the Olympics, I have nothing to watch on TV so the methodology has had to change again. I did YouTube fitness videos twice later in the week. Once on Thursday, and again on Saturday. Both videos pretty much kicked my ass, but I did what I could of both of them, and it still took about half an hour each. That's a lot of calorie burn there. For effort, I will give myself the benefit of the doubt and say I did my 90 minutes a week last week and therefore earned the 10 dollars. That puts me at $20.
Motivation:
I had a bit of a breakdown this weekend, honestly. I'm unsure as to what exactly brought it on. I've actually been down all weekend for unknown reasons. It's very weird. I don't like it, but I also don't know how to fix it.
I do want to lose the weight desperately. I feel heavy and gross and I think the reason I don't feel well and that I am getting what I have decided is heat rashes, is because of my weight. This drives me nuts. There is nothing else in the world that makes me more upset than this idea. For something so guiltless, accidental and easy (the gain) to become so much of a difficult, self-punishing responsibility is just endlessly unfair. And I'm only 50lbs overweight! I can't imagine what people are suffering at 100 or 200 lbs over.
Having the reality of the health issues pop up makes me feel extremely powerless. Even if my numbers are (finally) going down, I still feel like it's not enough, and that there is so much reliance on my own responsibility and restraint that I will never make it as far as I want to. I'm scared of what will happen when I inevitably falter or give up, or decide that "enh, I can have this cake" too many times. I don't trust myself. [In reality, I don't trust myself at pretty much anything, but that's another discussion]. I'm thinking that it is time I got some professional help. Someone who will tell me "You have to do this" and not let it be a choice. I need to be under doctor's orders, because those I will listen to. If I make the order myself, or someone without that authority makes that order, the order doesn't have legitimacy and can be avoided. Yes. I need orders, because I don't trust myself to just do it. If I make the rules, I can bend them. If someone else makes them and enforces them, then I can't bend them, because I'm accountable to someone else. I would rather do this with a medical professional, because I know they will help me fix it and keep it. So I need to get a nutritionist/ weight-loss counsellor. I will work on this this week.
Goals:
Stop being so emopants, 90 minutes of exercise, work on portion control and healthiness of food (untracked).
*hugs* There can be a fine line between motivation and things which are discouraging. For me, at least, the thoughts "That's awesome and amazing and I want to do that, be there, etc" and the thoughts of "It's too far, I'm not awesome enough to do that, etc." are always two sides of the same coin. But I also think that the things which people struggle with and feel overwhelmed by can also become their banners of change. I'm glad to hear you taking positive action on your negative feelings. You can do it.
ReplyDeleteHey Kiersten, sorry for the late response on this one (it's already Monday again!). But first, in regard to your youtube fitness videos, I think that's great. It's ok to need breaks or not be able to do all of it. When I take dance or related classes, during stuff like sit-ups, I have to take several pauses because I'm not strong enough yet. That's what you're supposed to do; know your level.
ReplyDeleteAnd regarding the motivation crisis, you're right, it is unfair. It sucks to feel powerless. But you ARE making a difference. Every day you are choosing to be healthier, and it's ok to have cake sometimes. And I think it's a good idea to talk to a nutritionist or counselor, if that's what you want to do. I talked to a nutritionist once senior year and I liked it and thought it was informative. And it is definitely easier to stay on track when someone is making the rules for you (that's the reason I took an LSAT class).
To conclude, YOU ROCK!